June 2024 Newsletter

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Letter from the Rector

Dear all,

As we head into June and look forward to the summer months, things generally slowdown in church and this year due to an early Easter, we have a particularly long period of Ordinary Time. However, we must not forget that God never changes His pace, and that our work must continue.

God’s mission, of which we are all part, must go on. It is clear that God is moving in our benefice, and we cannot afford to lose momentum, or worse still, lose direction. Our purpose as a church, and in fellowship together, is to serve God and His plans for our community. Each of us must remain focussed on our role as individuals and as a church in unity together. I know I can rely upon everyone to promote the values of our faith by bringing our communities together through our worship and the many activities and events that go on. This is exciting, as we meet formally for worship, socially at the many planned events, or in passing, let us encourage each other and maximise the opportunity to glorify God in our community.

In all our planning and activity, we cannot afford to rely on a few people. The whole model of church is intended to be a shared activity which draws together the various skills and talents God has given each of us. This is the only way to achieve success. We all share the responsibility placed upon us through God’s calling on our lives to always follow Him. So, this summer as we reflect on our relationship with Jesus, let us prayerfully consider how we can use our God given gifts to help the wider community.

In addition to our worship, we have much to look forward to with the D-Day Commemoration, Lads’ Club Centenary, Lympne’s Wildlife Festival, and the Saltwood Village Hall Open Day, as well as the many regularly scheduled events at church and across the area put on by a whole variety of causes and organisations. No doubt other things will be held as and when. Keep a close eye on my weekly newsletter and the monthly parish magazines for both Lympne and Saltwood.

Rev Barry

Diary: St Peter & St Paul, Saltwood

Parish Church of St Peter & St Paul, SaltwoodOur regular pattern of worship includes a service every Sunday at 10am. Usually this is Holy Communion (to which all are welcome, whether or not you choose to receive communion) with a Family Service on the fourth Sunday of each month. Other services of Holy Communion, including ‘Book of Common Prayer’ services at Saltwood and Pedlinge, are shown on the website calendar, along with all services and events for the month.

Bubble Church, for families with Toddlers, is held in the Lads’ Club at 10am on the first Sunday of the month; Sunday Club, for children aged 3 – 10 is held at 10am in the Lads’ Club, on the third Sundays in term time.

 

Some dates to note in your diary include:

Saturday 1st – 10.00 to 12.30 – Book fair in the Lads’ Club
Monday 3rd  – 14.00 – Monday Chats in the Lads’ Club (and each following Monday)
Tuesday 4th – Our Rector’s day off – and each following Tuesday
Wednesday 5th – 10.00 to 11.30 – Saltwood Toddlers in the Lads’ Club
Wednesday 5th – 14.0 – Afternoon Prayer Group at 34 Harpswood Lane
Saturday 8th – 13.00 to 17.00 Saltwood Village Hall Open Day
Saturday 15th – 10.30 – Coffee Morning at Lympne
Saturday 15th – 15.45 – Messy Church at the Lads’ Club
Saturday 22nd – 14.00 to 17.00 – lads’ Club Centenary Celebration
Monday 24th – Monday Chats Cream Tea outing – booking essential
Wednesday 26th – 14.00 – Cinema Club in the Lads’ Club
Thursday 27th – Church ‘Spring Clean’
Sunday 30th – 10.00 – benefice service of Holy Communion (at Saltwood)

Useful Contacts

Rector – Rev Barry Knott: Telephone: 01303 883243 email: rev.barry@icloud.com 

Church website: www.saltwoodchurch.org

Community Support Hub: 01303 269602

Parish Pastoral Support: 0300 030 1330

Children & Families Ministry (including weddings and baptisms) – Christine Clover:

Telephone: 0300 030 1662 email: christineclover@lympneandsaltwoodchurches.uk

Lads’ Club Bookings: Jan Heard 01303 266945 email: jan.entendu@gm

Parish Magazine: Beth Lewsey 01303 264577 email: parishmagazine@saltwoodchurch.org

Items for the July/August magazine

If you have any items for the July/August edition of the magazine, please forward to Beth Lewsey, by: 24th June by email if possible to: parishmagazine@saltwoodurch.org or deliver to 20 Castle Avenue.

Saltwood Church Pastoral Group

Caring for One Another

 ‘And let us look out for one another to provoke love and good works’ (Hebrews 10:24)

Our Pastoral Group meet monthly to seek ways of offering support to those who are going through difficult or challenging times. If you know someone you are concerned about, or if you have concerns yourself, please contact us. You will always find a friendly voice and a listening ear at the end of the line. Caring for others is at the heart of Christian life and you can help us by being our eyes and ears, letting us know of anyone who is in need.

Contacts: 01303 266454             01303 883243

Quotes

The coming General Election is a critical moment in the life of our nation. Even in the heat of the debate, let’s treat each other with respect and kindness ..

Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury

A Prayer for June

Dear Lord,

Here we are in June. Halfway through this year already! How the years fly by and often we are so busy, so taken up with everyday concerns that we forget to take time to be still; to consciously be in your presence; to be aware of the wonders of your world.

June is such a beautiful month, so we take this moment, Lord – and we thank you for your goodness to us and your provision for us. Especially we thank you for the gift of Jesus who is the only way to you, who is your truth and who offers us eternal life, if we will turn away from our self-centredness and put our trust in Him.

For June and for Jesus, Lord, we praise you and we glorify you. And we move into the rest of the year in hope and trust.

In Jesus name,

Amen.

(By Daphne Kitching)

Intercessions for June

1              Those who live in Castle Road, Kiln Corner, The Close and Castle Crescent
2              Businesses in our parish
3              The Pilgrims Hospice
4              Those struggling with addiction, thinking particularly of those known to you
5              St Mary & St Ethelburga Lyminge, St Mary Postling and All Saints Stanford
6              Those who live in Cylinder Road and Freshfield Lane
7              Christian communities facing persecution
8              Our ministry team
9              Village community groups
10           Our own discipleship as a community of faith
11           Those who live in Fairlight Road and Harpswood Lane
12           Carol Cooke and John Campbell, our Churchwardens, and the members of the PCC
13           Our local hospitals and Tricia Hill who leads the Canterbury hospital chaplaincy team
14           The King and the Royal Family
15           Those with physical and mental health needs and those who care for them, thinking particularly of those known to you
16           Our prayer groups
17           Those who live in New Road and The Coppice
18           Messy Church
19           Deanery Synod, its committees and officers
20           St Mary & St Eanswythe Folkestone, and St Peter Folkestone
21           Those who live in Tanners Hill, Tanners Hill Gardens and Deedes  Close
22           Barry, our Rector
23           The bereaved and those who care for them, thinking particularly of those known to you
24           All candidates in the coming General Election
25           Saltwood Primary School – Paul Newton, his staff and pupils
26           Those who live on The Green, Old Saltwood Lane and Conway Close
27           St Luke Hawkinge and St Martin Acrise
28           Rose, Bishop of Dover and Darren, Archdeacon of Ashford
29           All who are entitled to vote in the coming election
30           Our Toddler groups

Prayer Ministry at Saltwood

The Prayer Ministry Team are there for YOU, in the sanctuary at Saltwood, after the 10 a.m. service every week.

Wondering just what happens if you come for prayer?  If you wish, you can share your prayer need (for yourself or someone else) in just a few words.  The two prayer team members will pray in response to your need, simply bringing that need to Jesus and asking for his blessings.  If you prefer, you don’t have to say anything – we will pray for you, that the Lord would meet you at your point of need that day.  You may also like to have the sign of the cross marked on your forehead and palms with oil that has been blessed for healing (anointing.)

Worried about confidentiality?  Everything you say will be treated in complete confidence.  Team members are bound by the strictest rule of respecting the trust you place in them and will not betray that trust.

Worried that you’ll feel self-conscious?  Everyone else is busy getting coffee, no-one will be watching you.

Be encouraged to come for prayer!

‘SALT’ Home Groups

There are three groups in Saltwood, mostly meeting a couple of times each month: –

Wednesday evenings. Contact Bob White on 07742 927356

Thursday evenings. Contact Jeremy Russell on 07740 030659

The Afternoon Group has changed their time of meeting. They now meet on the 2nd and 4th Friday of each month at 2.30pm at 34 Harpswood Lane, the home of Penny Forsyth, who can be contacted on 01303 980593. You will be very welcome to come along, even if only to see.

St Peter and St Paul – our Patron Saints

The two most famous apostles are remembered this month, for they share a feast day on 29th June

St Peter (d. c. 64AD), originally called Simon, was a married fisherman from Bethsaida, near the Sea of Galilee. He met Jesus through his brother, Andrew. Jesus gave him the name of Cephas (Peter) which means rock. Peter is always named first in the list of apostles. He was one of the three apostles who were privileged to witness the Transfiguration, the raising of the daughter of Jairus, and the Agony in the Garden.

When Peter made his famous confession of faith, that Jesus was the Christ, Jesus recognised it as being the result of a revelation from the Father. He in turn told Peter that he would be the rock on which His Church would be built, that the ‘gates of hell’ would never prevail against it. Peter and the apostles would have the power of ‘binding and loosing’, but Peter would be personally given ‘the keys of the kingdom of heaven’.  Jesus also forewarned Peter of his betrayal and subsequent strengthening of the other apostles.  After His Resurrection, Jesus appeared to Peter before the other apostles, and later entrusted him with the mission to feed both the lambs and the sheep of Christ’s flock.

Symbol of St Peter

Peter played a big part in the early Church, and he is mentioned many times in the Book of Acts. It was Peter who first realised that Christianity was also for the Gentiles

He is known as the heavenly door-keeper, the patron of the Church and the papacy, a saint both powerful and accessible.

Images of Peter are innumerable, but his portraiture remains curiously the same: a man with a square face, a bald or tonsured head, and a short square, curly beard. Not surprisingly, his chief emblem is a set of keys, sometimes along with a ship or fish.

Like Peter, Paul (d. c. 65) also started life with another name: Saul. This great apostle to the Gentiles was a Jew born in Tarsus and brought up by Gamaliel as a Pharisee.  So keen was he to defend the god of his fathers that he became a persecutor of Christianity, and even took part in the stoning of Stephen. He hunted Christians down and imprisoned them, and it was while on his way to persecute more Christians in Damascus that he was suddenly given his vision of Christ.

It was the decisive moment of Paul’s life – Paul suddenly realised that Jesus was truly the Messiah, and the Son of God, and that He was calling Paul to bring the Christian faith to the Gentiles. Paul was then healed of his temporary blindness, baptised, and retired to Arabia for about three years of prayer and solitude, before returning to Damascus.

Symbol of St Paul

From then on Paul seems to have lived a life full of hazard and hardship. He made many Jewish enemies, who stoned him, and wanted to kill him. Nevertheless, Paul made three great missionary journeys, before returning to Jerusalem.

After stonings, beatings and imprisonment in Jerusalem he was sent to Rome for trial as a Roman citizen. On the way he was shipwrecked at Malta; when he finally reached Rome he was put under house-arrest for two years.

Paul was not only a tireless missionary, but a great thinker. His epistles played a major part in the later development of Christian theology. Paul’s key ideas include that Redemption is only through faith in Christ; that Christ is not just the Messiah, but the eternal, pre-existent Son of God, exalted after the Resurrection to God’s right-hand; that the Church is the (mystical) body of Christ; that the believers live in Christ and will eventually be transformed by the final resurrection.

 

Saltwood Cinema Club

Will be showing

THE BEAUTIFUL GAME

on Wednesday 26th June

at 2pm at the Lads’ Club

The Beautiful Game is a 2024 British film directed by Thea Sharrock and written by Frank Cottrell-Boyce, starring Bill Nighy and Micheal Ward.

A heart-warming story of football, friendship and  triumph against all the odds.

Cost £5 per person to include tea and cake

 All proceeds to the Lads’ Club Funds

 

Celebrating the Centenary of the Lads’ Club

On Saturday 22nd June, from 2pm till 5pm, we have the Lads’ Club Centenary. The Lads’ Club has played a part in every life of those who have grown up or spent many years living in the village. The Lads’ Club was built with a kind and generous donation by Lady Lucy, wife of Sir Henry Lucy. She wanted a meeting place for ‘Lads’ returning from the First World War. The original club met in the Castle Lodge until in 1924, permission was given for a more suitable and permanent building in Rectory Lane.

The day will be marked with a Cream Tea and there will be lots of entertainment and displays.

Book Fair

Wardens’ Corner

From John Campbell: –

Have You Watched “The Chosen” Yet?

For those of you who have not watched The Chosen, I recommend the series to you all with all my heart. It is absolutely wonderful and there isn’t one of you who won’t be moved, thrilled, and edified by the whole series. The actor who plays Jesus is totally believable, and the disciples are for the most part just blokes – some of them even “Jack the Lads”. Watch it! You will be so blessed.

– Series One is on Netflix – 8 Episodes

– Series One and Two are on Prime (Freevee with Ads)

– Series Three is on Prime for purchase at £16.99.

– Series Four – only available in prisons at the moment!

All have subtitles available. You will love this – and tell me if you don’t!

Holy Spirit Teaching Videos

Just a reminder that you can find them all at www.lympneandsaltwoodchurches.org.uk/teaching-videos

Reverend Barry’s Day Off.

I would like to remind you all that Barry’s nominated weekly day off is Tuesday. This is the day that suits him best, so I would ask you all not to contact him at all that day by any means – by phone, email, or text. If an emergency occurs, by which I mean something that really, really can’t wait until Wednesday, then please contact one of the wardens, at Saltwood or Lympne.

Amplification in The Choir

If you are sitting in the choir and finding it hard to hear the sermon clearly, please come forward at the end of the gradual hymn and sit in the front pews in the nave.

The person reading the gospel is asked to pause and wait to allow this to happen before starting to read.

Ride and Stride – 14th September 2024.

Would anyone, or any couple, willing to consider taking on the minimal planning for this annual event please contact me. It is a wonderful day out and well worth the effort. You can read about it at https://www.kentrideandstride.co.uk/

From Carol Eastell:

Church Clean!

It is ages since we had a church Spring Clean at Saltwood and it is a job that needs to be done to show our lovely church off to the best it can be. We are looking at Thursday 27 June. Will you come and join us? We could do with help from you menfolk as well as the ladies input. . The more of us to help, the quicker the work will get done and it will be great to feel we are working together. Bring your favourite cleaning materials with you and let’s get cleaning! See you there

Afternoon Prayer

We would love you to join us for Prayer. This month Jill Hicks will be leading the group which is meeting at the home of Penny Forsythe, 34 Harpswood Lane on Wednesday 5 June at 2 pm

Prayer Cards

John has made us some prayer cards which you will find in church. The card gives some useful pointers for prayer so please take one and maybe use it to pray before or after the Services.

Monday Chats

On Monday 24 June the Chatterers are going out for tea to the Clifton Hotel in Folkestone. Would you like to join us? You will be very welcome, though you will need to let me have your name so I can count you in. The cost will be £14 per person which is extremely reasonable in this day and age. (Carol on 07795 100 441)

From Rachel Cornish, Warden at Lympne: –

 When I became a churchwarden I was expecting to learn lots of new things; I have!

I expected to increase my knowledge on ancient buildings and how to maintain them, on local  organisations and who does what. And to avoid getting bogged down in church rules.

I was not expecting to become an entomologist.

Solitary Bees

Did you know there are almost 250 different species of solitary bee in the UK – and large numbers of them can be found locally. Once you realise this and start looking carefully you see the different colours, sizes and behaviours. I can look at them, but identifying and naming them is not as easy and I enjoy learning from some bee experts within the village – have a look on the display boards at some of these from the eco project. As we encourage more wild flowers and more bee friendly flowers in the flower border we hope to see a greater range of solitary bees and other insects.

(Image courtesy of the British Beekeepers’ Association)

Honey Bees

Honey bees produce honey and honeycomb  – and if a suitable place is found can produce a large structure with lots of honeycomb. Lympne church has its own colony of honey bees with at least some of the hive in the gap under the roof valley between the north aisle and the tower. It will be interesting eventually to see just how much honey and honeycomb is trapped within the church walls – and what to do about it.

The entrance to the honey bee hive is at the top of the downpipe on the east side of the side chapel. Annoyingly large numbers of these bees are getting into the church where they get trapped and perish. Stopping this happening might be a challenge.

In the Bible honey refers to a blessing of abundance; so whilst we ponder what to do with all this honey we can be thankful to live in such a beautiful place.

Asian Hornets

(Image courtesy of the British Beekeepers’ Association)

Some wildlife is more welcome than others, and the invasive predatory Asian hornet is not; this non-native species of hornet is a serious threat to pollinators, especially honey bees and it can and does destroy whole hives. One was trapped somewhere in the village on 10th May and another seen at the church, so the churchyard now has a hornet trap, and we will be helping with the local “hornet watch” to trap and track these unwelcome visitors.

The Asian hornet is mostly black – compared to the native European one which looks more brown with clear yellow stripes.

In the Old Testament the hornet is mentioned a few times driving away enemies. So let’s pray the hornets found in Lympne will metaphorically drive away our negative thoughts or people that get in the way of our faith.

From the Parish Magazine – May 2004

A lot was going on in June twenty years ago:-

Saturday 5th was the Rector’s Men’s Breakfast

Friday 11th was The Rector’s Grand Auction of promises (in aid of the Church Building Fund)

Saturday 12th June 1st Saltwood Scouts hel a Race Night

Saturday 19th  was a Progressive Supper (also in aid of the Church Building Fund)

Saturday 26th was Saltwood Village Day – the Church and Tower were open for visitors during this event

Other news: Sabina Common gained her Queen’s Scout Award and Sarah Leaver introduced herself as the new Church Warden

All this in our own little parish against a world backdrop mentioned in the Rector’s letter: ‘the situation in Iraq and the Middle East seems to be going anything but according to plan …’

D-Day Commemoration

Folkestone Choral Society

Hythe Guided Walks

St. Stephen’s church, Lympne

Lympne Church - St StephensSERVICES AND EVENTS IN JUNE

2nd – Holy Communion – 11am
9th  Hooba Family Worship – 11am
16th – Holy Communion – 11am
22nd – Coffee Morning – 10.30
23rd – Holy Communion – 11am
30th – Benefice service of Holy Communion at Saltwood – 10am

Lympne Fellowship

In May, 24 of us thoroughly enjoyed our annual lunch, this year at the Walnut Tree in Aldington.  The food was good, the service was good, the staff were friendly and helpful, and I think we all agreed it was well worth re-visiting in the future.  Our thanks go to all the staff involved!

Lympne Fellowship normally meets at 1.15pm in the Harry Margary Hall on the 2nd Thursday of the month, with a programme of interesting and informative talks and activities.  For further information about our group, please contact Jill Page on 07846 819693

Coffee Morning

On Saturday 22nd June from 10:30-12 Proceeds to maintenance of the church plus a donation to this month’s nominated charity:

Hythe Dementia Awareness Forum

 Prayer Groups

The ‘Friday’ prayer group now meets on ‘Monday’ lunchtimes for 20 minutes – contact Rachel or Monica for exact dates. The time is intentionally short to fit within a 1-hour lunch break.

Home Groups

There are two house groups – Monday evening (contact Rachel & Peter) and Friday morning (contact Monica & Peter). Both meet every two weeks and read through the bible with lots of talk and discussion.

Eco Church

Work continues most Tuesday and Saturday mornings to improve the churchyard for both people and wildlife. There is now a display inside the church that shows some of the wildflowers and wildlife seen.

Groups for Families

Groups and services for children and families take place mostly in Saltwood with the Lad’s Club  – but once a month there is Family service in Lympne church, and in term time a weekly Toddlers group in Lympne village hall on Thursdays.

If you are curious as to what goes on have a look on the new display boards in Lympne church with photos of many of these activities.

Quote

God has given us two hands – one to receive with and the other to give with. We are not cisterns made for hoarding; we are channels made for sharing.  – Billy Graham

 

Lympne Coffee Morning

SATURDAY 22 JUNE 2024

10.30am – 12.30pm

St Stephen’s, Lympne

  • Come and join us for coffee, cakes and savoury bakes. If the sun is shining, sit out and enjoy.
  • Take a break while out for that walk (well-behaved dogs welcome)
  • Catch up with old friends and new
  • Enjoy the songs from the musicals with Richard on the piano

Proceeds to maintenance of the church plus

a donation to this month’s nominated charity:

Hythe Dementia Awareness Forum

Pews for Sale – Last Chance!

We still have a few pews available (in the Nave of the Church) if you wish to purchase one, but they will be gone by the end of June!

These pews are SOLID PINE, measuring approximately:

Length 104” / 264cm incl the seat support pegs jutting out at each end;

Height  32” / 81cm; 

Depth 20” / 51cm  including seat, back and back-shelf.

The pews currently up against the wall of the nave also have one side panel.

The church is open during the day if you wish to view. 

Buyer to collect on dates to be agreed from Monday 17 June.  

We regret we are unable to deliver.

DEPOSIT OF £50 SECURES YOUR PEW WITH FULL PAYMENT OF £250 BY 17 JUNE.

Cash to be handed to a member of the PCC;

Cheque made out to Lympne PCC; 

Bank Transfer:

     Bank:                                Santander

    Sort code:                        09-01-54

    Account No:                   0 6 5 6 6 0 8 9

    Account Name:             Lympne PCC

    Reference:                      Pews (and your name)

Please contact Fiona Jarvest  fionajarvest1@gmail.com or 07919 146158 to secure your pew or for further information.

SHAL: Studying History and Archaeology in Lympne

Our speaker in May was Cressida Williams, Archivist at Canterbury Cathedral, who gave a full and fascinating talk on the Magna Carta at Canterbury, a subject in English History not widely known.

Magna Carta, called the Great Charta, was a royal charter of liberty and political rights, obtained from King John of England by his rebellious barons at Runnymede near Windsor in 1215, some of which still apply today. It was drafted by Archbishop of Canterbury, Stephen Langton, who made peace between the unpopular king and a group of rebel barons. It promised the protection of the church rights, and for the barons from illegal imprisonment, access to swift and impartial justice, and limitations on feudal payments to the Crown. Stephen Langton was the architect of the Magna Carta, sealed but not signed by King John who died in 1216. The Charter at Canterbury includes reference to democracy and ‘the church shall be free’ still on the statute book. Canterbury’s copy is now completely illegible but in print in the British Library after documents had been damaged by fire.

The main Charta is in Salisbury Cathedral as well as at Lincoln Cathedral with copies in the British Library and a version in Canterbury. Langton died after 20 years, as Archbishop, including aligning himself with Thomas Becket. He was initially buried simply in the Cathedral but later buried in a tomb under the altar in one of the Chapels. In Kent there were two more Chartas discovered before the 800th Anniversary in 2015 – in a Sandwich church and in Faversham just off the market. However it was Langton who was the driving force in the story of Magna Carta.

Our next meeting on Tuesday 18th June at 7.30pm is a talk by Colin Varrall, who will speak about the East Kent Coal Fields from his long experience in the mining industry in Kent. Non- members are welcome to join us in the Harry Margary Hall.

Saltwood Village Hall

Gardeners Needed!

Castle Green WI

President Julie Andrews welcomed thirty-three members to the May meeting. Nicky Johnson was thanked for the flower arrangement with flowers from her garden. Tea hostesses Maggie, Dee and Molly were thanked. The minutes of the April meeting were approved and signed. Biddy and her husband Neil were thanked for hosting a group of members at their home and bluebell wood in April when the weather was kind to us. Photos are on the website.

The sub-groups will be meeting in May, see website for details. The next Lunch Club meeting will be on Thursday June 20th at The Gatekeeper in Etchinghill.

Summer outing. This year’s summer outing is on Wednesday July 10th at Goodnestone Gardens for a walk in the gardens followed by tea at the old Dairy Tea Room. The cost will be £14.50 and is due by the June meeting. Car sharing will be organised nearer the time.

The June meeting will be a summer craft session. Crafts on offer are crochet, watercolour bookmark or postcard, leaf weaving, button picture making, decorating a wooden heart and iris paper folding. If you were not at the meeting, please email Julie with your craft of choice. At the conclusion of the business part of the meeting the fire alarm went off (we had been warned) and we all made our way out of the Lads’ Club and assembled on the pavement opposite. Julia called the register, and we went back in.

After the coffee break Dawn led us through the resolution, Dental Care Matters, which will be discussed and voted on at the NFWI Annual Meeting at The Royal Albert Hall in June. After discussing the resolution, we voted in favour with discretion given to our delegate if there should be a change on the day.

Margaret Alcock then tested members knowledge of food and drink and board games in a “light-hearted” quiz session while Elisa and her team aided by committee members prepared the Ploughman’s’ Lunch. The board game quiz proved to be rather difficult with a top score of seven out of twenty questions. Members then helped to re-organise the tables and we all enjoyed lunch.

The next meeting will be on Friday June 14th and will be a craft session. Members are invited to bring plants for the sales table. https://castlegreenwi.org.uk

Margaret Alcock

Finishing with a smile …

They say he married her because her aunt left her a fortune. He hotly denies it, saying that he would have married her whomever left her the fortune.

 … Signing the register at a wedding, the groom had difficulty in making his ball-point pen work. “Put your weight on it,” said the vicar.  

So the groom complied: ‘John Smith (twelve stone, four pounds)’